she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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