Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
