My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
