I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize