Plan B is the new Plan A
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
