Your face is a jimmy john
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
