Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
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