I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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