when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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