Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
