Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
tell me about the fingering
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