Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
