You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
