opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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