Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
