I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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