FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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