You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
