I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
