the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Randomize
