I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
