This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
