when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
