I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
