i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
