the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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