apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
