Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
