if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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