Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
