if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
