I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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