This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
