Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
