she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Randomize
