chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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