We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
