Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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