I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize