True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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