You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
