you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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