I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She said her name was "party"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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