Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
