An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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