There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
