Just cropdusted the office
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
