i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Houston, we have a squirter
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
