You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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