Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
