I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
