I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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