hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
