I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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