My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
