a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltš
I just burped jalapeƱos and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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