things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
