Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
