Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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