What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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